back to basics

I didn't want to go to church yesterday...which is exactly why I went. It was like the message was for me...and I feel more balanced than I have in awhile. This is from a girl who was raised in church...I mean 3x a week and 2x on Sunday, raised in church. The last 5 years, we've gone a handful of times...I guess it wasn't a priority...the kids were in private school, they were getting "church" daily...but after the novelty of sleepin' in on Sunday wore off...the marital issues arose...and in light of the last month, it became clear that we needed to get back to basics. I feel centered and I feel focused and I feel hope...and I haven't felt that in awhile...and wow, it feels wonderful...safe, familiar.

and breathe...just breathe...

that song keeps playing in my head...it's my new mantra...

I went for a jog tonight...with the crew...normally, it's just me and the dog...it was nice and a great way to get rid of some of the emotional stress I've been carrying. I talked to my cousin today and told her everything about hubby quitting his job, him not telling me...it's like I avoided talking to her because I knew I would cry...and I want so badly to have a weekend without any tears shed...nope, not this one. She pushed me back towards him (as did my mom and best girlfriend) and told me to ride out the wave. I can't help but worry about the end of the month bills...about the fact that there will only be one paycheck and not two...about the fact that he promised me he would never quit without another job...about the fact that we'll be short this month...about the fact that this was our year to pay-off debt for good. Seriously, we were on a count down. But what's done is done...and I'm here...trying to piece it all together...without going to pieces myself.

Struggling

I'm having a difficult day...it began yesterday afternoon...when I came home, after a very long, difficult week at work-my number 1 desire was to go out to dinner. The reality that we can't do that anymore hit home...and this sadness won't shake. It's not that I'm so sad about cooking or anything like that, just that this restriction has translated to every part of my world. Prior to my husband quitting his job, we were frugal, on budget and ate out occasionally....so, it's not like we've gone from one extreme to the other. We have just tightened the belt on an already too tight budget...I'm sad...feel alone. If I'm "mopey," hubby gets down and it's this domino effect...I have to pull it together.

Crock Pot Shout-Out

I love my Crock pot...and was thrilled this year to discover that I'm not alone in my love of a machine. When I stumbled upon "A Year of Crockpotting," I felt like I found a true treasure...and it is. It's inspired me to be more creative in the kitchen and the fact that I can do things that I would have never tried (hello...bake cornbread in crock-pot!) makes me appreciative of the many ways I've grown as a chef...:)

So, for dinner, I made chicken and threw in a can of condensed cheese soup, rotel tomatoes and diced up an onion...set it on low for 8 hours. When I got home from work, I made Spanish rice over the stove, nuked some broccoli and waa-laa...the best part is that there is enough for lunch tomorrow and I'll add some home-made refried beans for burrito's over the weekend.

I'm still looking at $63 for the month in groceries...so, I'm thrilled that I can stretch the food...

I can't help but read about the doom and gloom around the country and the possible recession and economic hardships. Hubby not working makes it all the more frightening...yes, he's totally confident that he'll find something...even if it's not the $$$ we're use to...it's beginning a new trajectory that has the potential...I'm much more of a concrete person...but, I see that I can take care of me and my kids with my salary...pinchin' pennies...but still, scared. Of the unknown. I need to stay positive...I believe in his ability to find something and we're making the adjustments necessary. Like I posted earlier, it's also a reality that in all this, maybe I need to grow as a person...maybe I need to change.

Breakfast for Dinner

Nope...not the IHOP kind...rather, the "let's not spend money" kind. The kids had already had dinner (my mom picked them up from school and fed them..thanks, mom!)and I had to pick up a light-jacket for my son (good-bye $26.93)...I was already bummed, tired from a long day and kinda pissy that I did all the "work" that day...even though my husband was "working" on loose ends, it still is a shock that he hasn't "clocked" in anywhere in two weeks...anyhoo, I'm digressing...so, I called him (hubby) and said that I would pick up some cheap burrito's somewhere (in my house, this word has a two syllable sound: bri-to...whoop, I'm digressing again) and his response was that he'd rather have a hamburger and fries. As I calculated the cost and did a fast GPS assessment in my mind, my son (who I think felt bad about the "good-bye $26.93"...even though it was a need and not a want...) mentioned something about having food at home. I asked hubby to whip something up, omelette-like in our GT101X-Press (yes, of the infomercial variety)and he did...even offered to add pancakes to the menu, but, I knew the milk needed to be used up-so I opted for Corn-Flakes instead.

After all was said and done, we assessed our menu to be a savings of $12...and since we have $63 left for the month...I guess that was a good use of restraint.

No way- 6 months??

I have crawled out of the cave that has been my self imposed place of hiding. Reminds me of the time in junior high school, when it was known that I liked a boy and he liked me...it seemed like all of a sudden we were on opposite sides of the school..in jr. high, the more you like someone, the less you see them. How this relates to this blog, no clue, but I had something going...I really did.

I wish I could say that I was out saving the world during the last 6 months...but, no...actually, I have been trying to save my own. It seems that my life is on the brink and maybe I'm the one that has needed to change this whole time. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a super-freak...like I have it all together, and others I recongnize that I am the major problem.

It's not secret that finances strain a marriage...and well, mine has been strained, if not nearly choked to death (figuratively) due to finances. I had the "plan" to fix it...as the bonafide "nerd" (thanks Dave Ramsey...uh, gee...can't ya come up with something a bit more cutesy?) in the marriage, I have been the one responsible for carrying the burden...and burden it has been. It seemed like the last year, hubby and I were on the same page...however, there was true "off-track" behavior that would occur that we both tried to work through. Mainly it dealt with his job and his overworked, underappreciated, negative environment and the fact that he wanted out. He stayed for about 3 years too many...and then quit...one month ago...no talk...no discussion...just an "I'm done." He was being asked to do something that would have really required something from him that would have compromised his integrity. I guess I was suppose to understand all this and pose as the all understanding, supportive wife. Sadly, this wasn't the case...and the financial turmoil around couldn't have come at a worse time. I've cried, we've fought...but have come out the other end of this together. We have a plan. We have a marriage. We have a family. We have love.

I think it's my fear...my true fear of failure...my fear of the world crumbling...my fear of the unknown...just plain FEAR that has paralyzed me. I medicate with cigarettes...alcohol...food....sometimes all three. Not that I'm not allowed a reaction...or that he handled it the best way...but that I didn't hear my husbands true need as a human being...that the paycheck meant more to me than his reality. For that...I'm ashamed...for that, I see I have major growth yet to do.

So...my goal is to check in daily...at least, weekly...to have this as an accountability for my marriage as well as my finances. I have too much invested in both to let a bit of volatility scare me away...