No way- 6 months??

I have crawled out of the cave that has been my self imposed place of hiding. Reminds me of the time in junior high school, when it was known that I liked a boy and he liked me...it seemed like all of a sudden we were on opposite sides of the school..in jr. high, the more you like someone, the less you see them. How this relates to this blog, no clue, but I had something going...I really did.

I wish I could say that I was out saving the world during the last 6 months...but, no...actually, I have been trying to save my own. It seems that my life is on the brink and maybe I'm the one that has needed to change this whole time. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a super-freak...like I have it all together, and others I recongnize that I am the major problem.

It's not secret that finances strain a marriage...and well, mine has been strained, if not nearly choked to death (figuratively) due to finances. I had the "plan" to fix it...as the bonafide "nerd" (thanks Dave Ramsey...uh, gee...can't ya come up with something a bit more cutesy?) in the marriage, I have been the one responsible for carrying the burden...and burden it has been. It seemed like the last year, hubby and I were on the same page...however, there was true "off-track" behavior that would occur that we both tried to work through. Mainly it dealt with his job and his overworked, underappreciated, negative environment and the fact that he wanted out. He stayed for about 3 years too many...and then quit...one month ago...no talk...no discussion...just an "I'm done." He was being asked to do something that would have really required something from him that would have compromised his integrity. I guess I was suppose to understand all this and pose as the all understanding, supportive wife. Sadly, this wasn't the case...and the financial turmoil around couldn't have come at a worse time. I've cried, we've fought...but have come out the other end of this together. We have a plan. We have a marriage. We have a family. We have love.

I think it's my fear...my true fear of failure...my fear of the world crumbling...my fear of the unknown...just plain FEAR that has paralyzed me. I medicate with cigarettes...alcohol...food....sometimes all three. Not that I'm not allowed a reaction...or that he handled it the best way...but that I didn't hear my husbands true need as a human being...that the paycheck meant more to me than his reality. For that...I'm ashamed...for that, I see I have major growth yet to do.

So...my goal is to check in daily...at least, weekly...to have this as an accountability for my marriage as well as my finances. I have too much invested in both to let a bit of volatility scare me away...